Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
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Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.