Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
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Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
tourist season
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch