FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
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SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
it’s finally my moment to shine
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?