Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
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I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too