Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
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[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.