*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
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I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
☠️☠️☠️
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems