Realize this:
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I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir