My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
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My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
When I laugh on my period
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!