I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
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My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
“i miss shittin on people”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.