[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
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most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
honestly, i need both:
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING