What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
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According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Bread puns are on the rise!
A fake ID that makes you younger
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.