My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
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So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.