I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
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Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it