Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
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My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.