[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
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If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
i made a craigslist ad !
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
*pokes sex life with a stick