Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
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If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Childbirth is so beautiful
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems