do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
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If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Not all heroes wear capes….
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.