Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
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me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.