Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
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Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I think I’m having a stroke
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Owl Sanctuary
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks