Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.