[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
me when i see my girls butt
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job