Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
You Might Also Like
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?