I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
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It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.