my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
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When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Every house has this drawer
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you