How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
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Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
“Sheer Arrogance”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
me when I see my crush
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce