me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Breaking news:
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.