me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
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I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Worth the read.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.