High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
You Might Also Like
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.