If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
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Gods work.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Thursday Thought.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya