I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
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A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
…u ok Nintendo?