Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
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My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Donkey Kong sommelier
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I saw nothing
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close