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Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.