Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
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If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.