One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
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God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Punctuation Matters. Period.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture