[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
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You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.