That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
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mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Make new friends? bro out of what?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords