Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
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May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…