Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
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Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.