Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
You Might Also Like
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
cat vs inanimate object
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.