One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
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Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Anyone really
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?