I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
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No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I bet
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
That de-escalated quickly
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.