Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
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Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’