My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
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Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.