Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
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Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.