Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
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ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Sunday
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.