I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
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Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.