I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
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“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
found this cool rock hiking today
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.