I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
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(Gaming support cat.)
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Please do it!
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Pretty much. 🤣
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
You are what you delete.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….