Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
How actors in movies eat their food
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev