Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
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My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?